Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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