Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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