that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
