Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize