Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
