I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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