my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
