i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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