Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
