did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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