I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
