you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
