mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
