So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
