My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
