Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
