I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
