He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
