You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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