After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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