I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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