She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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