I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
