Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
