my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize