I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
