there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
