I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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