she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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