my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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