There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
