my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize