i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Watching her eat just hurts me
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
