I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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