She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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