Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
