Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize