areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
