I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
