You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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