tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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