My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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