It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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