i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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