If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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