Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
