The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
