Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
