MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
