yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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