Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
