I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Houston, we have a squirter
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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