I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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