her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize