At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
