you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
