I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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