I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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